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Ebil Wibbles

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[Legend of Zelda] [May. 8th, 2006|11:11 pm]
Ebil Wibbles
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[mood |coldcold]
[music |The High Violets - 44 Down]

Series: The Legend of Zelda
Fic: Act I: Trial of a Man
Author: H7
Disillusionment and Frustration: Much!
General Impressions: Wait...wait, what is this???
Length: FIFTY-FUCKING-NINE UNFINISHED CHAPTERS THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO READ BUT READ ANYWAY.

After going into Aceilux (by Wyna Hiros) withdrawal, I was like omg! I need long Shink fic! So, behold FanFiction.Net's handy search by length and character feature; I started reading "Act I: Trial of a Man".

...a week later...

When you start reading, it's like you're not even reading a Zelda fic. There's Final Fantasy VIII characters, Final Fantasy VIII universe...where's the Zelda? But oh wait, there's Link...except he's not really Link. But he is. ...But he's still not. But oh well. And then there's Malon, Dark Link, and Sheik! But there's really not, so let's just move on with the confusion shall we. There's this third gaming universe drawn in early to the story that I have no idea about - Diablo 2? - but it sounds really interesting anyway. I didn't like FF8's role in the story, but I liked D2. Go figure. Oh yeah, did I mention that it's a crossover? A fucking long crossover? I usually avoid these things like the plague, but for some reason I was drawn into this story against my will...and I just could. not. stop reading. One of those things. It was awful.

Anyway, the plot.

Squall hears voices and gets himself injured so that he's DYING, but wait, that voice in his head turns out to be a ghost who separates from Squall's body and rallies Quistis, Zell, and Seifer to help dear ol' ghostie save Squall from a certain doom. And oh yeah, that ghostie is Link who's been sealed by an archangel for around five-hundred years. So they go into this other world, Sanctuary (or something) and lalala find Link's poor body. They reunite his body and spirit and nurse Link (who houses Dead-Girlfriend-Malon! in his head) back to health. Link finds his lost Ocarina of Time and warps back to just before Squall gets pwned by this monster, saving the day of course. He becomes, after few trials, a SeeD and a Hero. And then he leaves to go back to Hell to see if some demon ass he slayed there before is still kickin' (or something). Immediately after he arrives, he engages in a misunderstandment with a Sheikah unoriginally named Sheik. And that's chapter thirty-one.

So, I was searching for that long Shink fic to absorb myself into, right? And if you're not up-to-date on the latest fandom terminology (actually, I wasn't either because when I came back to the fandom, Shink was relatively new to me - like Shink? Shink? what the hell is that?), Shink is the ever-curious LINK-AND-SHEIK-ARE-GAY-TOGETHER!-(AND-SHEIK-ISN'T-ZELDA) pairing. That's what I wanted to read, so I set off reading this thing...and it takes thirty-one chapters for Sheik to come into the story! And guess what! They're not gay! Oh they're friends of sorts, helping each other out through Hell and learning all about each other though really gayness does seem to shine through at times... But the author is rather insistent in early Sheik chapters that they aren't gay together. Then later she caves in and says that maybe she'll do a gay rewrite. That has yet to happen, though, I believe. But anyway, we're talking about the plot aren't we?

The archangel who initially sealed Link out of fear that he would destroy the world after defeating Diablo (a big-ass demon, apparently), finds them and gives chase, but Link and Sheik lose him and find a weird sword - the Hellplague. I should probably mention that the whole time Link has been having a mental manifestation of Malon inside his head who tells him he's stupid, worthless, a failure, and whatnot (you know, typical things your mother tells you on a Saturday morning). So he's a little crazy, but he tries really hard not to let Sheik know because he doesn't want Sheik to hate him. But anyway, Link finds the Hellplague, and when he touches and wields it, it's like all his problems go away, or something. And when he doesn't have it in his hands, he's very cold. Sheik is naturally suspicious. They travel, however, to a place of Chaos, where Link initially defeated Diablo and about a million other monsters (there's a big thing on how Link could possibly do all that, and the simple answer is that Link is a crazy, bloodlusting motherfucker sometimes) and encounter Baal who tries to get Link to do something. But Sheik's like no bitch no and huzzah, they're transported to another time in another world...

...Which just happens to be Wind Waker. So they go and visit the Deku Tree who's all like Link! Tell us of your travels! Link tells them of OoT's events, has a difficult and physically painful time remembering Termina, tells them of Sanctuary and going through Hell, defeating Diablo, getting sealed by the archangel... He leaves out the whole part about being crazy, though. And for some reason that kind of pisses Sheik off (not the not telling him he's crazy part). Honestly, I forget what Sheik was so bitchy about, but it was kind of stupid. Kinda. If being pissed at your comrade because he didn't tell you the archangel wanted to seal him because he thought he'd destroy the world is stupid... So Sheik gets over himself and they set off to the Tower of the Gods where Wind Waker Link is kinda unconscious for the final battle and Trial of a Man Link kicks Ganon's ass. Barely.

Huzzah. And so they end up somewhere else - a deserted island. They bathe and sleep close together at night. Apparently, this is the only moment I initially read the fic for. Then gay time is at an end and they leave to an island Sheik's familiar with. At chapter forty-nine. Don't ask me how they got off the island, though.

They come to a place Sheik is familiar with - a town he's mysteriously known in - and they go see a blind chick with red eyes after killing several, randomly-there monsters. The chick tells them that Link is slowly becoming a demon because of the curious wound he received from Diablo that has not yet healed. And, as with most Link-revelations, this pisses Sheik off, this time about befriending and traveling along with a demon. But the chick tells Sheik that his presence and friendship with Link could greatly offset the chances of Link's growing demon-dom. Since the future is not yet decided. And the Hellplague is a mysterious but necessary evil to Link. So they journey to this place that they're supposed to go to...and Link fights Dark Link! Randomly! And he wins. Somehow, Dark Link absorbs himself into Link's crazy mind. DL and Malon hate each other, though, and argue. DL is randomly helpful, amazingly enough. And then they meet Baal and the archangel again. Fight ensues, and well, Sheik and Link get their asses kicked, landing them treatment in a port town (don't ask how or why). A boat to where they're supposed to be leaves from there soon, as Link finds out while getting drunk in a bar in a chapter that really should have been titled the chapter in which Sheik gets laid (and not by Link) instead of Shanis.

And this chapter of fifty-seven is particular important because we learn the following things:
-Sheik is one of those gentlemanly sorts who fucks-and-runs.
-Link used to be a drunkard. Kinda.
-Link is a virgin. A crazy, bloodlusting, motherfucker, yes, but a virgin nonetheless. Probably.
-Baal just refuses to die.
-Shanis is a Gerudo of some importance who kind of randomly joins the party. Her purpose as of yet mainly seems to be arguing with Sheik.

Malon reveals herself to DL as being the one who will drive Link into being a demon, and there's talk from an old man of The Oni who may be able to save Link from becoming a demon... A lot of important explanations and implications are brought forth, but I can't be bothered to remember any of them. I was still trying to get over Sheik's fuck-and-run after all. And then Dark Link takes over Link's body.

So then...no wait, there's no "so then". THE STORY KIND OF ENDS THERE. Well, the story itself doesn't exactly end, but the chapters do. And the story hasn't been updated for a year, so I'm not holding my breath.

After spending almost a week reading fifty-nine pages of a never-ending quest and that, I, amazingly, have one and only one question burning in my mind:

IS LINK A FIVE-HUNDRED YEAR OLD VIRGIN?
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